Assert the "self" in self-esteem: building a healthy body image

My sister (right) and I (left) when we were kids. Looks at us. Weren’t we cute? So young and naive.

As it is for anyone who has a sister, my relationship with my little sister is precious to me. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the challenges I’ve faced as an adult without her love and support. But when we were kids, we had a tumultuous relationship. Our different personalities clashed a lot. I’ve always been very introverted, whereas she’s outgoing. I preferred doing solitary activities, but my sister is a social butterfly. She’s a Scorpio, I’m a Sagittarius - you know how it is.

Another thing that contributed to the tension in our relationship was that, a couple years after the above photo was taken, we started to get compared with each other. My sister and I weren’t only different in terms of personality traits. My sister was stick thin when we were kinds. I, on the other hand, had the appetite of a teen aged boy when I was, like, 8 years old - and I was overweight.

Honestly, I don’t recall even being aware I was overweight until the differences in our appearance were pointed out. I have some painful childhood memories from visits with extended family. Like standing right beside my sister while she was told what cute little girl she was; meanwhile, no such compliments were directed my way. A female relative once gave a picture of herself looking all thin and beautiful to my sister, telling her she looked so much like my dad’s side of the family. I was told I looked like my mom’s side. Considering the beef between that relative and my mom, she was most definitely throwing shade.

Getting read like that would be hard as an adult, but it was even worse as a kid. And on top of that, around that time I also started getting bullied at school for my weight. When I think back to my early years, I wish my family would’ve been more gentle with their words. Children form their identity based off of how other people interact with them. We tend to internalize the comments we hear about us when we’re young; especially when those comments come from family. Internalizing mean words about my weight led to me eventually becoming resigned to my “fat” identity. By around the 8th grade, I figured I’d just be let myself be overweight for the rest of my life.

But then, just before the 9th grade, my family moved away to a town in northern Canada. The town was so far removed from everyone and everything I’d ever known that it made me feel like I could start fresh. I wanted to revamp my identity. Specifically, I wanted to lose weight.

I went all-in on my weight loss journey. I spent a bunch of time reading about healthy eating on the internet. I’ve always loved cooking, so I made myself healthy lunches and helped my parents cook healthier suppers. And I started working out. I remember my first workout DVD like it was yesterday: Kathy Smith’s Matrix Method. Through my efforts I ended up losing about 40 pounds.

My successful weight loss improved my self-esteem. Partly for the reasons you might assume: I felt more conventionally attractive; I had the confidence to wear cute clothes; I got a lot of compliments on my appearance. And it improved because I was proud of my accomplishment. I had set out to get fit and lose a significant amount of weight - it was the first major goal I’d set in my young life. At that point, I don’t think I’d worked that hard to achieve something. And I did it all on my own - with a bit of help from Kathy.

Then came senior year, and along with it came changes to my body. My hips and shoulders broadened first. Then I start to fill out and put on weight. When the weight gain happened, I took it as a failure. I felt like my hard work had been undone and that I wasn’t attractive anymore. I decided to be more strict with my diet so that I could lose weight before graduation.

My sister (left) “bought” me (right) and dressed me up silly on Buy A Grad Day. At this point, I desperately wanted to look skinny in my prom dress.

Looking back, this was the beginning of my weight cycling. For years afterwards, I would alternate between restricting any and all junk food so I could be a size I was happy with, and indulging in treats almost daily, which resulted in putting on weight, and then feeling guilty that I allowed the weight gain to happen. When I reflect on what the root cause of my weight cycling was, I realize it was that internalization that happened as a child that my body had to be a certain size to be beautiful. I couldn’t maintain an “ideal” size because I wanted my body to look that way for others, not myself.

I came to a turning point regarding my body image when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was in my 20s. By then my insides were in rough shape. My priority with my diet was to heal. I realized I needed to be gentle with my body and nourish it. It was then that my mindset started to change. It hit me how resilient my body is and what it did for me. I had advanced damage in my gut by the time I was diagnosed, but my body is a boss and pushed me through!

My body image began to change because the things I’d internalized about what a body is supposed to be faded away. The concepts that replaced them were: my body is strong; my body helps me achieve my goals; my body carries me through all the challenges I face. A body’s purpose is not simply to look a certain way! After my mindset changed, my body image changed drastically. I started actually liking the way I looked and no longer wanted to force my body to be something it isn’t. Now my weight has stopped cycling and I’m happier. So much happier than I was at my skinniest.

Me (left) and my sister (right) at Christmas. We get along a lot better now that we’ve learned to love and accept our differences.

If you’re struggling with your body image, remember that it’s called self-esteem for a reason. You get to decide what you think it means to be beautiful. You can give yourself permission to like the way you look. You have the power to reject the comments of others and live your own truth.

Start building a healthy body image for yourself right now and tell me: What do you love about your body?